i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
