She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
