Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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