i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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