Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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