i permit you to call me
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
