when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
