I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
