Don't make out with my wife yet
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
