i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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