He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
