The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
