I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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