I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
