my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
