Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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