new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
