you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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