I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
