U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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