apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
