i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
