just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
