pop tarts are not kleenex
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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