Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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