When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
