if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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