my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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