I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Just puked most of my soul out..
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
