I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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