Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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