haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
