If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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