come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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