Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
