I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
