I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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