I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
