My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
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why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
We are two peas in an std pod
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
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I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.