She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
