We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
She needs sedatives and a leash
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
