U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
