Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
