Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
