We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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