just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
