Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
