i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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