right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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