I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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