Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
