I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
