I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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