My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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