Pappa wants mamma naked
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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