imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
