if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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