bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
