I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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