just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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