i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
